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Parents - Sibling Rivalry, What An Opportunity
By admin | April 14, 2008
No, I haven’t gone off the deep end. And yes, battling brothers and sisters can be a real pain. But sibling rivalry can also be a terrific training ground for teaching good problem solving, if you know what to do.
Being an effective problem solver is one of life’s great skills.
By making good problem solving a part of your children’s skills, you will help increase their confidence, self-esteem, and wise decision making. They will get along better with friends, do better in school. And, for you, this makes being a parent a lot easier and more enjoyable.
Here is a summary of the steps from my parenting book
Step 1: What’s the real problem?
Have children say the problem without blaming or criticizing. One way to do this is to include the goal in the problem statement. Instead of saying, “Jimmy won’t let me play with the ball,” you would say, “There is only one ball and we both want to play with it.”
When children focus on their goal, they are much more likely to calm down and begin to think of solutions.
Step 2: Come up with lots of solutions (at least five)
Nothing pits one person against another more than thinking there is only one solution to a problem.
Research shows that a child who can think of at least five ways to get what he wants usually exhibits more socially acceptable behavior than a child who can only think of a couple.
Here are five solutions children often come up with for handling the one ball problem.
1. I could have it by myself
2. Take turns
3. Not play at all
4. Play a game together
5. One could have it today and one could have it tomorrow
When children are coming up with ideas, it’s critical to teach them to let each other say anything without judging or evaluating them. They need to learn to listen and not make fun of each other.
On numbers 1 and 3 above there is a huge temptation to jump in and say that won’t work. Instead, say very neutrally – “that’s one idea,” then go ask, “What’s something else you could do?” When you don’t laugh, or criticize their ideas, they will come up with some useful ones.
Step 3: Evaluate ideas.
After children have come up with ideas, discuss the good and bad points of each one. They can ask
- “Is it safe?”
- “Is it fair?”
- “How would others feel about it?”
- “Could this solution work?”
You can cross of the ones that think won’t work. If something is not safe, then it is immediately crossed of the list. For some of the others, like number 1 above, if you ask, “Is it fair,” children will usually see that it’s not. If you go on to ask, “How would your brother/sister feel about it, a child can see for themselves that it wouldn’t feel good – and that begins to teach empathy.
Step 4: Choose a solution that has a happy ending for all
You can ask, “Which solution would you like to try?” The solution doesn’t have to be their favorite, but it needs to at least work for all parties.
Step 5: Try the solution and evaluate progress
Good planning insures a good solution. Before they run off, you might ask them how they are going to do the solution. For example, if they are going to take turns with the ball, “Who is going to go first and how long will they have it before it they give it to their brother or sister? How are you going to track the time?”
Let them know it might not always work and that’s okay. Just go back and have fun going through the steps again.
Teaching kids to solve problems effectively doesn’t happen immediately. Sometimes it gets pretty frustrating and you want to just tell them what to do – resist that impulse! Your efforts and patience will pay off, not just with your peace of mind, but with your children’s abilities in life.
I invite you to use this tip to strengthen your ability to raise a happy, healthy, responsible and successful child, while you enjoy the journey.
And, with your permission, I’d also like to offer you free access to The Proven Principles of Effective praise, you can download it by going to http://www.candokid.com/Praise.htm
From Pam Golden at http://www.candokid.com
Tags: children, conflict resolution, Parenting, Parents, Problem Solving, Sibling Rivalry
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